Why I Don't Have Faith in God......

I was confronted today by something that, well at the very least rattled my bones. I mean it struck my heart down to its very being and to say the least, it shook up some deep dirt inside of my spirit that I had managed to keep hidden and forget about for a long time.

In short, a good friend of mine is going through a very hard time, right now and in his darkest moments, I can't help but wonder.....Where is God right now? I mean, there have been so many instances where I couldn't count the number of times that I have looked up at the stars and wondered that very same thing. Where is God?

In a world where, violence, and rape and genocide, and some of the most horrible things you can image go on; the bible tells us that God loves us and is there for us. I mean we as Christians are honestly supposed to believe that there is an all knowing all seeing Father who loves us? I mean, how does this make sense?

Somewhere in Poland you'llf find a place called Auschweitz. In 1944, there were in and around 1.1 million people who were gassed, burned or shot to death by he Nazis, just because they were Jews, better yet, let's simplify it, because they were God's People. I'm pretty sure that if I walked up to a Holocaust vicitm and told them that God loves them and is watching over them, they are able to look at me and say "Really? Well for 1.1 million innocent people, I guess He's a little late"

Now, though my experience is definatly in no way measurable to those of that horrible event. I can say that I have been going through some intense emotional pain for going on around 15 years now. I can tell you the exact moment when this pain started. I was sitting in my dad's car and we were on our way from a friend of the families house. My mother had been in the hospital for a few days by then and she (last I had heard) was doing somewhat ok. I remember looking over at my dad who was visibly heartbroken; and asking "How's mom?" He looked over at me, whith a shutter in his voice and said "Mom died last night Benj". It was at that moment that I looked out the window of the car, and looked up at the sky and in the back of my mind somewhere said "Why?"

So I have been dealing with this pain and these memories, not from just that instance, but from a number of instances that have been haunting me. Oh and by the way, the one person who could bring healing to my soul, and bring some meaning to these things.... is sitting up in heaven right now just looking down on me doing nothing. You know what I think about when I look up at God? I think of someone who loves me when ever it is convineient to him. I see someone who takes just enough time getting to me so that He is too late to help me. I see someone who turned their back on my heart and the hurt it feels years ago. Am I denying the existence of God, well no, that would be stupid. I'm just not sure that I have faith in Him anymore.

I mean, how long does it take God to get involved? How long does it take God to get off His throne and help us. How long do we have to suffer before God finally decides we've had enough. I'm tired of having a one sided realationship with a being who knows everything, and does nothing. I'm tired of holding on just long enough to catch a glimpse of hope, but then loose it when reality steps in.

The truth is, I don't have faith in God anymore, because when I start to believe that He cares, a million and a half reason show up to remind me of why He doesn't. His grace, is not enough for me. I want help, I want healing, I want guidance, I want God, and He's just not there for me.

Have a great afternoon...............

Alone......."I Get Buy with a Little Help from My Friends"

So my best friend from (God knows how long ago) called me the other day from college. It was awesome, we talked about everything (which for us usually covers life, love, and happiness and all thats in between LOL) going on in our lives. We talked about our romantic destinies with my soon to be wife, and his hopefully soon to be fiancee.



Its weird thought because, as we were talking I began to notice and rememeber all the times that this has happened. I mean, I can't count the number of times in my life that him and I have been looking up at the stars, wondering what our lives were going to be like. Its funny though, because through all of those time. I think it really shows us a great picture of God's church.



Don't you find it strange that (perticularly in the gospels and the new testament) a lot of the human interactions and Holy Spirit interactions that go on within God's people (for the most part) are done in community? As I look through scripture and how God interacts with the early Christians it just fascinates me how much community there is going on. I mean, it happens so often that its like almost a pre requisit for our body.

I find it even more intriging that for the most part, every major figure in the bible had some sort of companion. Moses had Joshua, David had Jonathon, Paul had Timothy, Barnabbas had Mark. I mean, even Jesus had his inner three with Peter, John and James.

When did we start believing that this is a one man show? I mean, when as a people did we start to think that It was God, and us and thats it. I mean, don't get me wrong, your relationship with God is entirely your responsibility, but when did we forget that Jesus was HUGE on brotherhood and community. I mean, it seems like Jesus was always talking about interacting with your brothers, and or how to treat a brother. In short, God designed us to NEED each other, not to shun each other. I think that is a big problem with Western Christianity, our desire to go it alone. God clearly wants us to work together, and to be there for each other. God has always been a strength in numbers kind of guy, and especially in this day an age, I think we need each other more than ever.......

"Polish a Terd....It's Still a Terd......."

So I was having this conversation with my friends one time about relationships, and we started talking about different escapades that we had done. One buddy started talking about how he managed to get a girl to break up with her boyfriend just so she could date him, and then dump her. Quickly chimming in, my other friend also shared a story about taking a girl out to a movie with the soul purpouse of making out with her. It was none the less a losing battle on my part trying to defend the idea that God didn't like it. It was funny though, because as I began to ask my friends why they did these things, different answers arose. One of my buddies put in bluntly that he was just...well....lonely. It then dawned on me though within my own life...."how many times have I justified something I have done in my life?" "how many times have I made right what was wrong in God's eyes, just so I didn't have to own up to it?"

If we all looked in the mirrior at ourselves, we would probably be able to come up with one instance in our lives where we have done this. "Justify the unjust". Its weird though because as I look back on my own life, there have been NUMEROUS times where I have done this. Especially when it comes to confessing something that I have done. I mean, there are secrets I have from things that have happened, that I will take to my grave. But why? I mean, if we look at God theres nothing but forgivness there for us, and if we look at what Jesus says then essentially we need to confess our sins to each other. Yet, we still feel this urge as people to hold onto this stuff.

When in history did man decide that he was better than God? When did man decide that if they do just the requred amount, that it was ok. When did man decide that as long as I had a good reason, or if the situation required it, that it was ok?

Its not ok!!!!! Its not ok to be loose with women, its not ok to steal if your hungry, its not ok to lie because its someones birthday, its not ok to do what you want because it makes you happy, its not ok for gay people to practice there sexual things because "everyone deserves happiness"

When did we start making compromises in America regarding our morality? When did I start in my own life? I'm not saying that a hungry person who steals is a horrible person, but maybe if we took charge and started taking care of our homelsss, these bad decisions wouldn't be an option.

If its one thing I've learned about God, He will always provide a RIGHT way to do something, He will never let you do EVIL to justify the good of an act. No matter what it is.

Reformation.....How do We Change Who We Are?

So my life lately is becoming more and more complicated. I mean, here is a "picture" if you will, of what my life is going to be like in the next 5 months....

1. Getting married 1 August
2. Getting promoted to SGT hopefully
3. Moving to another base
4. Training for a Triathalon

I mean, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS! I'm so lost about everything and my spiritual life just seems to be spiraling out of control. I can't think of the last time that I picked up my bible and actually "heard" the voice of God speak to me. Its a strange conundrum because although I don't want to hear what God has to say, my soul is dying without it. I mean, I'm just so frustrated about everything and to make it even crazier. THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON!!!!

Yet in the midst of all this, I feel God calling to me to change. To stop living the way that I am living and start living right. I mean, this calling process has taken what seems like years of God standing in the desert shouting my name and me not caring enough to listen. I think I'm just going through some kind of purging process. I mean, maybe God is just beating my soul into submission, between feeling crappy and spinning out of control, to getting down right depressed when ever I hear a praise song. I'm not sure what is going on, but I know that the man I am now is going to have to change if any of my top 5 are going to happen, especially the first one.

I can't be the man I am now, and be married. Its so HUGE of an establishment marriage is. I can't fathom being responsible for the life of another person, to be absolutly obsessed almost with there well being and life. Not that we should get obsessed about it, but you know what I mean.

I'm just lost without God.....and I don't know what to do without Him....

Warrior........Why is Masculinity Frowned Upon?

So I'm watchcing Star Trek one day right, and I just so happen to be watching the Klingon fan favorites DVD series (yes I'm a nerd, don't judge me) and as I'm watching all of these Klingons fight and be well ruthless, and I can't help but feel invigorated by them. I mean, I'm watching Worf and his brother Kern fight off these other warriors in a bar on Q'unos (I'm not sure of the spelling, so if your a hardcore Trekky, my deepest apologies) and I'm coming alive inside. "Kill them!" I'm shouting. "Beat some ass!!!" "Drop the honorless and destroy the traitors!"

It then dons on me that if I were to act that way inside of a church, most of the Christians there would look at me like I'm the biggest blasphemous, hypocrite they have ever seen. I mean, I would get looks that only convey "how un-Jesus of you". Or "He must not be Christian". I mean, I guess whats really bothering me is...."How come the church condems men for being something that God has naturally made them........aggressive. What is so wrong with being.......well.....Masculine?

I find it absolutly amzaing that if you ask a people in the church what a good Christian is, they will say something like "Well, thats a person who lives in peace, and is tolerant, and accepts people for who they are" Or "A christian is someone who avoides confrontation, and doesn't get into trouble". WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?

I've noticed that people tend to skip in the bible what they don't want to accept. I mean, everybody wants to know God as the lover of all things, and the God of peace and joy, and joyness....but what about the God who told Joshua in the Old Testimante"I want you to go to there lands, and kill them as a sacrifice to me" (Paraphrasing) I mean, what happened to the God who got in Job's face and said "Do you know who I am" "Where were you when I told the ocean how far onto the shore it could go?" "Condisder Leviathan, in his power and strength" (Paraphrasing).

Jesus, if I remember right in the bible, didn't just sit around and "avoid confrontation" if I remember it right, he blatenly looked the Pharisees in the eyes and said" you are stupid you fools!" I mean, quick cultural lesson, back in those days if you called someone a fool, it was like flipping someone off, I mean it was that offensive...but oh as Christians we are supposed to be "non confrontational, and tolerant" Jesus wasn't tolerant of injustice, as a matter of fact, Jesus spit in the face of injustice when He healed the blind and the sick, and looked at the unmetntionables of society and said "Hey, God loves you, no matter what the "godly" say". To call Jesus a "non confrontation guy" would negate the reason that He was crucified. I mean, you didn't crucify nice men who were "non confrontational". That would be like crucifying Mr. Rodgers. You crucified the dangersous men of society, the ones who caused trouble, in essence, Jesus was a trouble maker.

I'm just tired of a passive church. I wanna be apart of a church that says" Sin is sin, no matter how you wanna lay the cards down, its wrong, and thats the truth. "Oh but we'll affend people" I don't think Jesus gave a damn about weither or not He affended people, but rather, if He did the right thing. Come on Church, be a force worth recconing with, be those Christians that you parents warned you about.

I'm a man, I'm violent, aggressive, and I don't perticularly care if you think I'm wrong for being that way. Sometimes, people need to get put in there place. The chruch is weak, because the men in it are weak. I'll affend you for Jesus...because I know that if I was sinning, Jesus wouldn't care about weather or not He hurt my feelings, but that He would show His ultimate love for me, but putting his boot in my rear and getting me to stop being what I'm being.

PLATACK!!!!!

Predator...........

So there is a monster inside of me. I've known of it for a while. Disapointment is the trigger that swings this beast out into the open. It lies somewhere between rage, and indifference. It surfaces covered in selfishness, and gradually takes control of my mind, my heart, and my sould.

I can't seem to figure out where this comes from. I mean, I've literally looked at myself in the mirror and said "I'm a monster" Its weird because God must really love us, to be able to put up with the horrible things we do out of our hearts; and its not just the "normal" people, but Christians too. I have a theory that christians are the worst out of the group. I say that because we know the truth and in spite of it, we will choose wrong. Atleast for the unknowing they have the slight defense of being ignorant.

Its like the monster inside of me lives for Chaos, and feeds off of anger and hurt. It hunts people and seeks out the destruction of others, driven by a rage and a revenge that "everyone will hurt like I do" I don't know what to do about this anymore, and even on good days, I'm always wondering in the back of my mind...."What if this gets out of the cage, and I can't put it back"


"Humans man,.....Humans"
-Dean Winchester-

"Now I'm Always, Smiling" :D

So I have to be honest. Its kind of ironic because being honest is what I usually do. But I have to come out and just be as honest as possible on this one.

You see as of recently I have begun to notice a pattern within my life. Its weird because I didn't really notice it in high school, or maybe I did, I'm not sure, but anyway. I've begun to notice a dangerous pattern in my life that is really self destructive.

I always seem to have this deep seated anger and sadness within my soul, that no matter what I do or have tried to do, never seems to go away. The pattern begins with this, maybe its more like a cycle. Anyway though, I will start off feeling depressed, I start hurting for what literally seems like no reason at all. It just gets heavier and heavier untill it starts to transform into this rage that is uncontrolable and violent, which of course translates into the most dangerous aspect of the cycle which is apathy toward everything in life to include God, morality, love, people, and of course good and evil.

Its weird because I realized that I was aware of this depressoin in high school, but in looking back on it and the events in my life that were going on at the time. It just usually manifested itself as just being really really bummed. Of course, now being that I'm a soldier and I've learned to be a hard ass and to be aggressive. It gets really dangerous because that "bummed" becomes rage and violence. It is in these moments of my life when I am the most dangerous, and it is within these moments that my inner sociopath comes out. It is in these moments when I would punch you in the face, call your mom every name in the book, and smile right in your face, because your existance is not important to me.

"Now I'm always smiling:D"

Home

Its funny to say this now, but I love going back home during the holidays and new years. Its weird because as a teen, I never wanted anything more than to get away from their. I couldn't wait to get away from my parents and all of the stupid hurtful memories that I could never let go of on my own. I couldn't wait to leave the pain and the heartache that my high school choices had left me with. I couldn't wait to leave the hole that I thought my home life was. Everytime I would think about going off to the army, I would constantly think about how awesome it was going to be, being away from home and living my own life. Running away and getting away from the hurt I keep in me.

Its funny though because during my time in boot camp and Korea and even just down the road in Kentucky, I'm finding myself longing to come home more and more and more. Everything has changed, or maybe I have. I mean, I used to hate walking into my house and having to deal with my parents and listening to my dad lecture me for hours and hours, and now. I would give everything in the world to be home and listen to him rant and rave for hours LOL.

Never take anything for granted, and always remember that no matter how bad you may think life is, its always worth enjoying, regardless of what you may face.

Its Time......

So I'm having these overwelming feelings that I can't describe. Its almost like God is turning something within my soul. Its like; He is looking into me and essentially asking me to take a stand. He's, looking into me and asking "How long will I have to wait?" "How long will I watch you hold onto the same problems and hurts?" "How long will you run from what you know to be true, and from what I've called you to be?" "How long will you run from my Son and His purpouse?" Its like, my character is being called into question. It's time...

I have been fighting and running from God for about the last 3 years. I have been conviniently pushing God away so that I can do what I please, so that I can be wrong. So that I can run from my problems and hide behind my false self and let my anger take a hold on me. I have been allowing the enemy to transform my mind into something that its not, something that it was never meant to be. Something horrible.

I have become someone that I don't recognize anymore when I look into the mirrior. I have become angry and bitter, and the only person I have falsely blamed for this is God. To which I am wrong. I have become the worst of all things, something that Paul would call a "retrobate" mind. I have become exactly what the enemy wants me to be: Angry, maliced, dark, and worse of all, indifferent.

Since my rebirth as a Christian in 8th grade, I have been fighting and struggling with my past. Hurts that are there, sins that I can't seem to forget, and the bad part is that with all of that, I have been blaming God for all of it. I mean, I cannot say that completely, because there have been moments when I have managed to pull my head out of my own rear end long enough to have had caught a glimmer of what God is really like, and its good.

I have been asking God to do something that He's flat out told me that He is not going to do. I've asked God to simply take them all away, and essentially make it to where I don't even remember them.

God will not do it.......

He will not do it; not out of malice or some you must suffer to please me complex, but out of the simple understanding that the lessons we learn from pain, are the ones that teach us the most. Not just about ourselves, but about the nature of God as a Father of love who loves His children, and as the Creator who understand the very nature of the hearts that beat within us, and as the Son, who would give anything to heal us from our conditions and failures.

Its time for me to let it go, its time for me to let the past die, and its time for me to embrace the truth of what I am in Jesus. Its time for me to accept Christ completely, and to let Him guide the way for me in all my days, and to seek His guidance. Its time for me to humble myself before my Lord and let God love me. Its time for my to pick up my sword, and fight the good fight, looking Satan in the eye and telling him that this world and all that is in it, doesn't belong to him, but to God and he has no power here. Its time for me to become what I was always from the begining to time meant to be..........a true son of God.

19 December 2008 is the day that I declare this all in the name of Jesus, and stop being selfish, and misguided.

"God, you deserve better from me, you belive that I can be better than this, and I will be better, I will not spit in the face of your truth anymore, and I will let myself die, so that Jesus may live in me"

" I Can't Stand to Fly..."

So last night I was laying in my bed. I had just finished watching the show Supernatural, and I had found myself falling inbetween that state of sleep where your praying to God and trying to fall asleep, and as I was about to fall asleep; this overwhelming sense of God just came over me, and all I heard rippling through my mind was "I Am not a joke".


I have always kind of felt that my relationship with God, in a weird Geeky manner mirrored Clark and Jor-El's from smallville. I have always felt like God had this destiny for me, and for some reason I could never seem to "enjoy" or "feel good" about buying into it. I mean, is it my sinful nature coming out? Does God really have this "plan" for me? I mean, ultimatly, Jor-El ends up helping Clark become the man he was always meant to be, and Clark in embracing his destiny, falls in love with who Jor-El has him become. Does this represent God? Sometimes I don't know.

Being absolutly honest, sometimes being a Christian is ocerwelming. I mean, there are days when I feel like I'm acting in a play, and my role is to be the weak Christian. You know? I mean, I can't count on one hand the number of times that I've looked up at God and have been like "Is this supposed to be like this?" "Is the chruch really supposed to be this superficial?" "Do you really support all of this crap?" Sometimes I feel like being a Christian is like an emotional roller coaster. Its like I can never feel good about following God. Pause, this is the point where any educated person would say: "Stop living with your feelings!" To which I would reply "Tried that, all I have are my FEELINGS!" End note LOL. Sometimes walking away from God, although it doesn't feel good to my heart or my spirit, I have to admit that it does make me feel lighter, like there is nothing to hold me back from being me. I can't describe how it feels being able to just be me sometimes. However, I'm still hurting inside because I don't feel God, and my anger and my confusion at it all just drives me to look at God and say "Screw this, I can't follow you and feel like this".

Maybe its not about knowing some plan, but maybe its about being pointed in the right direction. I told one of my buddies one time that I'm like a guard dog, I'm extremely furocious when I'm pointed in the right direction, and or have a mission to do, but all by myself with no aim, I'm as worthless as passing that same dog chained up by his dog house. I mean, pastors have told me for years that God has a plan for me, and about the only thing I know that I'm supposed to do is God to bible college while staying in the army. Its crazy. I just pray that one day, God will be my Jor-El and that I will learn to love being a Christian as much as I love being me.

Romans 3....The Universal Relational God

So this one time, I was swimming with a group of friends in my neighborhood pool. We had decided to go swimming for one reason or another, and we were playing a game of Marco Polo. So were playing Marco Polo and I notice that there is this little boy swimming all by himself in the pool. The boy notices us playing this game and he begins to try and play with us. I mean, he's a little kid, probably around 6 or 7 and were all high schoolers. As he tries to play with us, one of my friends, who now that I recall, had a reputation for being really mean, pulled me aside and basically told me that she did not want that boy playing with us. So I was in this weird position, because I didn't want the boy to feel left out like we didn't like him, but I didn't want my friend to get mad at me either. Needless to say, I never said anything to the boy and I just kind of let him try and fit in, occasionally getting nasty looks from my other friend. What startled me though was that during this swimming experience, there was this instance where I looked at him, and I promise as honestly as I'm sitting here right now, I heard this voice say "Thank You" from nowhere. SO immediatly, I freak a little because I have no idea where this voice came from, and then it hit me mentally. I had this bible verse come rushing through my mind, and it was something that Jesus had said (Paraphrasing) "For whatever you do unto the least of these, so you have done it unto me"

Today I'm reading Romans 3, and God is really trying to open my eyes to His universal nature. When I was younger, and still even today. I struggle with understanding how God related to everybody else. I mean, I knew that as Christians, we had recieved God's messiah revelation, and that through God's prodding and the Holy Spirit, we come to accept Gods truth and we now live in a right standing and right relationship with God. So, I would wonder; well, what about everyone else?

In Romans 3, Paul is essentially talking about the relationship of the Jew to the Gentile, and the relationship between the Law and the Jew, and the Law and the Gentile. Some of the Jews were having issues accepting the Gentiles, because they weren't well, Jewish, and some of the Gentiles, were totally lost on this whole Jewish thing because they weren't Jewish. SO Paul is trying to get some kind of understanding established between the two groups, he's trying to explain that as a Jew, you have been trusted with this special knowledge of God, and with of course maintaing the Law and the knowledge of the scriptures, and he is in addtion, trying to explain the inclusion of the Gentiles into God's family, through Christ.

The Message translation of the bible has Paul saying this:

20 So where does that put us? Do we Jews get a better break than the others? Not really. Basically, all of us, whether insiders or outsiders, start out in identical conditions, which is to say that we all start out as sinners. Scripture leaves no doubt about it:

There's nobody living right, not even one,

nobody who knows the score,

nobody alert for God.

They've all taken the wrong turn;

they've all wandered down blind alleys.

No one's living right;

I can't find a single one.

Their throats are gaping graves,

their tongues slick as mudslides.

Every word they speak is tinged with poison.

They open their mouths and pollute the air.

They race for the honor of sinner-of-the-year,

litter the land with heartbreak and ruin,

Don't know the first thing about living with others.

They never give God the time of day.

This makes it clear, doesn't it, that whatever is written in these Scriptures is not what God says about others but to us to whom these Scriptures were addressed in the first place! And it's clear enough, isn't it, that we're sinners, every one of us, in the same sinking boat with everybody else? Our involvement with God's revelation doesn't put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else's sin

In essence, Paul is saying that God is universal, he's saying that we are all sinners, from the time were born to the time we die, we are sinners, everyone of us. He says that we all start off in the same indentical postion, and that essentially our understanding of Gods word and His law doesn't save us, or seperate us from one another, but yet opens our eyes to see how wrong we ALL are. We are all created in the image of God, and are all children of God. Osama Bin Laden, is a child of God, Adolph Hitler was a child of God, Saddam Hussein was a child of God. Granted these men went really wrong and did horrible things which God was against, and I'm sure God wasn't for them doing these things and probably did everything He could to stop them. But I mean, right now there is a Muslim praying to God in a Mosque somewhere in the middle east. God is hearing him, and wants to help him. Of course, God is trying to stear them to toward Jesus, and the right understanding of God, but none the less, just because you don't believe in God, or don't have the right understanding of God, doens't mean that He doesn't love you any less. Do we do this as Christians? Do we negate and not accept people who are different from us? I mean, Jesus from what I remember loved and cared for EVERYONE, because He understoold the notion that we are all from God, and therefore are all apart of God's plan and love. For Jesus, people weren't divided by what they were and how they thought. They were all children of God who were in desperate need of saving. If Osama Bin Laden came to your church one day, and wanted to become a Christian, would you help him?......

Add a little bit of Calvin, with a Dash of Wesley...and You've Got Me

So I was having a conversation the other day about God; and in the conversation we started talking about Sin and how it seperates you from God and how our postion stands with God. In the conversation I started telling her about how its weird with me because when I sin and do somthing wrong, that I didn't feel that "seperation" from God. She gave me an awkward look and said "Well, you should?" In responding, I stated back to her that I have always felt like Paul in Romans where he talks about how where there is Sin, Grace abounds all the more, and how I feel God draw closer to me when I sin. Of course the rest of the verse goes on to say that we don't keep on sinning, just to have grace poured out on us.
So of course with the conversation I just couldn't help but ponder these thoughts. I had heard this preached before in church in the past. How sin seperates us from God. However with the experiences that I've had within my own life; I have to say that I disagree I think. I mean, lets put this in perspective. (Theology class) Jesus came, He died, and was risen from the dead. His death brought about a righteousness from God that is imparted to us. Essentially meaning that we are given a status before God that is definatly not our own. (Personally, I will never in my lifetime call myself rightous) Our status is essentially borrowed from Jesus; when God looks at us, He doesn't see the ugly sinful people we can be. He sees the rightousness of Jesus and in effect, sees the same rightousness that Christ has, placed on us as our own. So why would God then after all Jesus did and will continue to do, suddenly seperate Himself from us as believers when we sin? To me, it doesn't make any sense, and personally I think a lot of Churches are missing this point. To me, sin is like letting a person down. If i lie to my earthly father, he is dissapointed in me, and is hurt, but he doesn't ever stop loving me; or make himself unavailable to me. I mean, if God seperated Himself from us when we sin? How would we get better? Better yet, the bible is full of people who were living in sin and God spoke to and still used them for great things. In essence, I think this seperation concept has created an ugly picture of God in a way, it paints a picture of a God who only wants somehting to do with us if we are perfect, and yet didn't Jesus come to bring home to the broken? I don't think God seperates Himself from us, but we seperate ourselves from Him, which is why He pours His grace out abundantly on us when we do Sin, because He wants us to come back home, just like He wants all the world to come home....

Scared......

So I'm sitting here right now at my desk. I've got roughly about 10 months left in the army, and about 2 completed hours of college. I have no jobs lined up, I've got nothing to really rely on other than Jesus and my fiance, and I'm not really sure what needs to happen.
I'm scared, there I said it. I'm freaking out a little bit. I had this realization the other day that I'm going to be married. I mean, I can barely function as an individual, let alone becoming one flesh with this wonderful woman of mine. I am freaking out, because I have no way of making sure that I am set up and established, and I'm a little bit angry with God at the moment, because I'm not sure where He needs me. I get a little tire of wallowing around in the dark trying to find Gods only match.
I mean, how am I going to get a job with no real job skills or a degree. I mean, contrary to what the recruiters tell you, most places could care less that you served in the military. How am I going to take care of my future wife. How will I have heath care, and a place to live. Where do I go from here? How do I get a job that allows me to have what I need, what she and I will need.
I just don't know how long I can take this, I mean, everyone is begging me to reenlist, and some of it sounds good to me, but most of it does not. The army is a hard life, and not one that I would like to put a future marriage through. So now what?

"Do I look Like a Guy with a Plan Harvey?"

Doesn't it seem akward at times the way people talk about religion? I mean, its interesting to see what people actually believe about things. Have you ever honestly had a conversation with a true Atheist? One that has not only not believed in God, but has researched it, studied it, and put his whole lifes concept into the idea that there is no God.
Its crazy the way Atheists can speak, and not just speak, but passionatly speak about how God doesn't exist and how if there is a God, then why doesn't He do something.
One of my proffessors asked a question during one of his lectures. He asked the class about shining a light in a blind man's eyes He said "If I shine a light into a blind man's eye, will he see light?" Essentially the answer he gave was no, they never would because they lack the ability to see light.
He likened this to God, and how sometimes no matter what we say or do for a person, they just won't see light. No matter how much God does for them, or how much He blesses them, there free will tainted by sin, still says "nope, sorry your not real" I mean how does this happen? How can someone just not see light? Its almost like there is a secret understanding about God, and understanding that only those who've opened themselves up to God, can see. Is this true? I mean, does the wages of sin really go that far? So far that it completely blinds us to God, not just relationally in our spirits, but in the world we exist in as well?
One of the Psalms essentially has God asking a quesiton to the readers. I'm Paraphrasing heavely. The Psalm essetially says (from Gods point of view) "Have I hidden myself from you?" "Is there anything that I haven't shown you?" I mean, maybe its a sin issue? Maybe the wages of sin go so deep that it does in fact blind us all toward God. I mean, we all started out having to essentially discover that God had been looking for us, and thank God we all had churches that helped us get there; but in scripture God says it "Have I hidden myself from you?" I mean, God has given us every indication of His existance. Romans talks about the conscience of a person being from God, it talks about the very world around us in nature being a physical representation of God's power and design in the world, and that we have no excuse for not believing. So whee does it end, the whole Atheist thing? The world may never know.....

Psalm 5 (An Image of Jesus...)

Psalm 5:

1 O Lord, hear me as I pray;
pay attention to my groaning.

2 Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,
for I pray to no one but you.

3 Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.
Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

4 O God, you take no pleasure in wickedness;
you cannot tolerate the sins of the wicked.

5 Therefore, the proud may not stand in your presence,
for you hate all who do evil.

6 You will destroy those who tell lies.
The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.

7 Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house;
I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe.

8 Lead me in the right path, O Lord,
or my enemies will conquer me.
Make your way plain for me to follow.

9 My enemies cannot speak a truthful word.
Their deepest desire is to destroy others.
Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave.
Their tongues are filled with flattery.[a]

10 O God, declare them guilty.
Let them be caught in their own traps.
Drive them away because of their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.

11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them sing joyful praises forever.
Spread your protection over them,
that all who love your name may be filled with joy.

12 For you bless the godly, O Lord;
you surround them with your shield of love.

I'm reading Psalm 5 for my devotion today, and as I'm reading I can't help but get this overwhelming sense of how great God is. Its that feeling that you get when you come to the realization that everything is, and will be because of God.
Verses 7, really caught my attention today as I read. "Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house". I mean how much more basic can that get? Its all because of God we can do what we do. I mean, lets think about this, God created the law on Mount Sainai so that the Moses and his people could know how to essentially "be" right standing in God's presence. God gave Israel Kings, so that the Kings could lead the people and determine what needed to be done to honor God and maintain His presence among them. God sent the prophets, so that we would know what God needed and how he required His people to change and repent and be Holy. God sent us Jesus, so that we could break the chains of sin and (inadvertently) the law so that we could truly know God and gap the broken bridge between God and man; so that we could know God completly and walk in His light. Or as Psalm 5 points out "Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house"
If I could descibe life, the bible, and the church with one sentece it would be this. It is the story of God making a way time and time again so that we might know Him.

PEace

Water and Oil Don't Mix on Earth, but in Space, They Do......

So I've got this buddy named Jeremy, and its kind of funny the way our relationship has turned out considering that for the first 6 to 8 months that I knew him, I absolutly hated him"D

Its always cool to see the way God does stuff. The way he seems to work things out. Its neat with Jeremy and I because we are totally opposite personalities. I mean, this guy, is a hard core disciplined kind of guy. You know the people who seem to have a plan for everything and seem to have everything in their life straightened out, Jeremy would be one of those guys. I mean he works across from me at my chapel and its crazy to watch him work. The guy DOESN'T STOP!! He just works and works and works and he's motivated and driven and has like all the attributes that the world would call superior LOL. Then theirs me, the goofy guy who can barely hold life together. I mean, I'm not an absolute waste of air LOL, but I definatly need help in a LOT of areas, time management for one.

Our personalities clashed and still do clash all the time. I would get so mad at him because of his desire to be perfect. His desire to do the right thing, the right way. He is such a by the book person that I just loose it sometimes working with him. He is confrontational, aggresive, and really doesn't care if he hurts your feelings when he approches you, especially if your wrong. He is definatly an alpha male personality LOL. I'm just a more goofy alpha male"D

Its just cool to see God work. In the bible, God talks about His followers being a body, and how one body part essentially can't be the other. I think it says somthing like the foot can't say to the hand "I want to be a hand" cause if you had no foot, you wouldn't stand. (Wow, that rhymed LOL. I'm sure thats probably paraphrased to the point of being absolutly wrong, but the body stuff is in their, and the analogy works LOL. ) Essentially what God is saying is that we all do different things and we all have different abilities, all of which can be used for His kingdom, and cause; and that we can work together with our different abilities to do great things.

Anyway, the picture up top is of us playing at one of his units prayer luncheons, and its funny because although we didn't get a long at first, I've managed to be able to play guitar together with him better than I have ever played with anyone. Our vocal harmonys on the praise songs that we do are just awesome and he can do all these chordal harmonys and its just awesome.

Maybe thats what Jesus was all about, you know, looking past the difference around you in different people, and recongnizing that in that though we are all different, we are all the same in in Him and that ultimatly the little petty differences don't really matter all that much. I mean, maybe its about being able to come together in that common goal of loving, serving, and worshiping God.

Jeremy is now one of my good buddies, and I'll always remembr him for what God taught me because of him.

My Gay friend...I Think Every Christian Should Have One

So I've got this friend here at Fort Knox, (and before I finish the story, I must point out that there is going to be a point in the narrative where most of my christian brothers and sisters, would throw huge rocks at me and call me a heathen. To that I say, BRING IT ON!!!!)

End Side NoTe*

Anyway, I've got this friend here at Fort Knox, and on the outside, you would never know that she was gay. I mean, she's a very pretty, nice, well mannerred, funny girl. She lives a pretty descent life as far as the worlds concerned. She doesn't drink too much, or act too crazy, and though she's done somethings in the past that she's not proud of (like most of us), she is what I would call normal. Yet when I hang out with her and or interact with her, I can't help but notice that somewhere deep inside her heart, there is a pain there. A sting, if you will, that brings the flow of poison with every pang. Its something elusive, something just above the top layer of the norm, something that comes from only the worst of ingnorance, the worst of persecution, and the very worst of indifference.

In search of that pain, through the various conversations we've had, through the various soul, one on one out pourings we've had. it saddens me to say that the source of that pain from my observasion, came from non other than.....the Church.

So this girl is torn apart inside, she's hurting. She's hurting because (note my opinion comes from the life history I know of her) she attended a church that talked about God's love, a church that talked about God's grace, a church that talked about God's acceptance of His people just the way they are. She came from a church that claimed that God would love her no matter what she did or how things could end up in her life. Yet at the same time, this church was quick to drop that stance and claim that God hates gay people, and that God is totally against them. I mean is this the God we know? Is this the God of the bible? Don't get me wrong, God does find the act of homosexuality to be sinful according to what He says in His word, but how far does that go? I mean does God literally hate that person for their abominations, is that person an outcast of the Lord? Does God just hate the act? I'm coming to find that though God hates the act of homosexuality, He does not hate them, but rather we hate them and pull God behind our cause twisting His words to fit our cause.

My friend, is torn inside, because she feels the conviction of God, (even if she's not aware of it) to change her life and stop these acts, yet she can't respond to God, because all she hears are the people of God, telling her that God will never love her as she is. Didn't Jesus say come as you are? Didn't Jesus say the world would know his followers by how they love each other? Is this the God of Jacob that we know?

How can we reach a dying world for Jesus, when the very actions and words that we speak about each other, bring the smell of death with every breath we take. How can we help this world, when all we do is tell it that God hates it? When I look at my friend, I see a dearly loved, and cherished child of God. A child that God makes the world turn for everyday, and though He might hate the choices she makes, He loves every ounce of her being. So the next time you call someone a "fag" or a "queer" or a "dike" Just remember that there is a very real Jesus that died for them, so that they might change their ways and embrace the love of God, just..like..you....