The Lies They Tell the Children....What Else Can We Be Wrong About?

So we all know the gay ass story. You know the one I'm talking about. Your a little child, maybe somewhere around the age of 6ish or so, and you are looking up at your mommy and daddy and you smile at them as they feel so proud and happy for you. You see on this day, you have pretended to be an astronaut, I mean hell, you even went as far as to build your own damn spaceship out of a box, and as they look down at you, you glance back up at them and say "I'm going to be an astronaut when I grow up" To which your parents say......"You can be whatever you want when you grow up sweety" Lies...All Lies....

So has anyone ever noticed that we never really become the things that we want in life. I'm starting to discover this as I trek through my sorry little existance. I mean, I can't count the number of dreams and plans that I had mad that suddenly just decided to fall through on me. Its kind of crappy because, you reach so high and so hard that when you crash and fall, well you become something entirely different all together....which is a loser and a failure....But don't worry, you can become whatever you want when you grow up right?

I'm not sure why people even try anymore, I mean it is pointless we should know this by now. I've been trying so hard to change these past few months, and all I've gotten really is worse. Its that same old failed feeling. You know, the one where your staring up at the ceiling late at night in your bed praying to God and saying "How can I get any worse?" But you do get worse, and your sould breaks even more, and your pain does get worse. Maybe we are destined to just be losers, I mean, maybe if we all stopped dreaming and wanting things and learned how to settle, we'd all be happier people. I mean, I might as well embrace the dick head inside of my heart, because He is the only one who gets anything done. Who knows?

Here At 23 Its The Same Old Me.......

Life is meaningless.....I mean, its funny because I used to hold to this naive idea that I could get better if I tried. You know, I could love God more if I just loved him harder, or that I could become disciplined if I just tried to change, or that maybe if I focused really really hard on doing the right thing that I might actually be able to do it.

Well as of earlier today, reality finally sunk in....you ready.....here it is......WERE ALL TOTALLY FUCKED!!!!

I mean, lets look at this in perspective shall we. I have been fighting the same old battle for YEARS now, and the great thing about it is that no matter how much I identify things in my mind in terms of why this hurts, or why this happened, it all comes around to the same square root which is that I will never change. Hopelessness, hate, rage, anger, undiscipliness, are all the core of my values. I wake up to the same old crappy heart, the same old crappy perspective, and you know what, I'm a little bit tired of people telling me to change my mind, or look at thing differently. The truth is I CAN'T because its me!!!! Its not an attitude, or a desired mindset. Its just the way it is....I.....EQUAL....SELFISH!!!! What did Paul say? A hand can't say to a hand that it wants to be a foot (something along those line). I'm destined to be a douchbag!!! I can't help it!

You know what, I can't really stand! I can't stand Christians sometimes, you know why? They are the biggest liars in the world. Oh we love and accept people BULLSHIT! I've seen more people marred and dragged down by christians than and other group in existance....and why? In the NAME OF RIGHTEOUSNESS!!! I get mad at christians because they should be the first people to reach out and help someone, but you know what? They never do.

Which brings me back to my point. I learned today April 13th 2009 that life is really pointless, you never get where you need to go, and you never end up doing anything good while your here anyway. People say well I'm a good person; lies, its all lies. No one is good, and non one gives a damn about anyone.

Take God for example, I don't love God because I love him, I put up with my faith because I'm afraid of what will happen if I truly walk away from Him. I mean thats not real love is it?

I can't not fathom a sinlge reason in this world why God would ever give a damn about me. I mean lets look at me, I thrive off of evil, I love to be a dirtbag, you know what, heres another scary truth....I like to bring people down:D Read God's word and tell me what God says about people like me...its not a pretty picture, but I guess I'm fucked because guess what, not matter what I do....I NEVER CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So why even care anymore, its all pain in the end anyway. You know what the true test of s persons worth is? How much pain you can take before you die.

I give up.............................................................................................................

Angels......Not What You Think?

So recently I have become a fan of this show called Supernatural. It has been going on for atleast 3 seasons now and I have just been getting into the show this year with the start of the 4th season. Through general reading, and not to mention there own wiki site that I managed to find; I have been checking out various past episodes and have been catching up on a lot of the story.

The show chronicles the lives of two demon hunters by the name of Sam and Dean Winchester. Sam and Dean have been fighting demons, monsters, and just about every kind of folk lore evil you can think of. Its interesting, because through they have been fighting demons and other dark forces the past few seasons, they have never really mentioned God the past three years.

The 4th season however; begins with an Angel being added to the mix and to basically sum it up, the 4th season starts out with Dean being saved from Hell by the Angel Castiel because God commanded it, and has work for Dean to do.

Now, although this is just a show on TV, I can't help but be just caught up in the awesomeness of this story. I mean, through out this season the Angels have been helping Dean and Sam and you get to finally see Angels actually doing what they do in real life, fighting the dark forces of the Devil. The story line this season involves them trying to stop Lucifer from walking free from his prison and destroying the world.

To my knowledge this is the first time that a TV show has ever shown this kind of view of Angels. I mean, Castiel and Uriel (one of the other Angels) are absolutly crazy; everywhere they go they leave trails of dead demons and they are absoutly relentless when it comes to fighting darkness. In one episode in perticular, Castiel leaves a trail of demons that have had there eyes burned out just by looking at the power of God he radiates!! Another episode has them essentially telling them that if Sam and Dean don't help them get this fallen rouge angel out of a town, they are going to destroy the entire town! Yet in another episode, Castiel explains to Dean that when they saved Dean from Hell, they "laid seige" to Hell just to save him. (tell me that doesn't have Jesus salvation overtones to it!)

I of course in light of this had to research the bible and I have to say that some of the historical references it makes to Angels seem to follow this same idea. In 2 Kings Ch 19, an Angel of the Lord wipes out some 185,000 Assyrian soldiers, then just for good measure, leaves the corpes out in the open for the other enemies of Jerusalem to see!!! Another story has an Angel in 2 Chronicles Ch 32 wiping out all the fighting men and officers in the Assyrian camp!! Yet again an Angel of the Lord in Daniel Ch 6 steps in to save Daniel by making the ravaging lions close their mouths!

Angels I think get a bad reputation for being all pretty and happy looking; I really don't think that they get the respect that they deserve. I mean, these beings are not only messangers of the Lord, but are warriors with no mercy towards the Devil and his minions. After all, it was Michael the Archangel and his warrior Angels who caste out Lucifer and his followers from Heaven during the rebellion in heaven in Revelation.

ANGELS ARE AWESOME!!!!!

Nehemiah................The Walls we Face....

So I have recenlty begun reading Nehemiah with a buddy of mine. Its a really interesting book. Its a book of the bible that I have never read before. I had heard some things about it, and have heard some sermons preached from it, but have never actually read it.

Here is a little bit of Nehemiah's back story and history:
(From the NIV Key Word Study Bible)


The books of Ezra and Nehemiah were combined into one volume in early Hebrew manuscripts. Around the start of the fourth century A.D. Jerome seperated them into 1 and 2 Ezra in Vulgate, a Latin translation of the Bible. Not long afterward, the second book was named Nehemiah after its principal character. The name Nehemiah means "the Lord comforts" Nehemiah was concerned that the Lord's name was not being esteemed as it should have been because His city Jerusalem, was in ruins. The people who had returned from captivity in babylon had no way to defend themselves (Ne 1:3). As a result, Nehemiah desired to take on the formidable task of reestablishing civil authority in Jerusalem. he let nothing distract him from his goal of making Jerusalem a strategic center of refuge for the remnant of the Isrealites who lived in the region (Ne 6:3)

Nehemiah was appointed Govenor of Judea by the Persian emperor Artaxerxes and soon afterward came to Jerusalem (around 445 B.C.). he was given a military escort and government funding from Artaxerxes to aid him in repairing the city. With God's help, Nehemiah planned and supervised the rebuilding of the wall around Jerusalem. Letters written on papyri (ancient paper) have been discovered in Egypts (on the island of Elephantini in the NIle River) which confirm that Sanballet, the man stated as leading the opposition against Nehemiah, lived during Nehemiah's time. These papyri also describe an overall political situation which conincides with the account given in Nehemiah.

So there you have it......the introduction!

Untitled.......

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunriseComing up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...'cause I don't want you to know where I am

'cause then you'll see my heartIn the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]

Stop right there.

That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line.

Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there.

Well I never should have said

That it's the very moment thatI wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]

[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been

And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.

Who I am hates who I've been'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.

So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

Me today...........

Why I Don't Have Faith in God......

I was confronted today by something that, well at the very least rattled my bones. I mean it struck my heart down to its very being and to say the least, it shook up some deep dirt inside of my spirit that I had managed to keep hidden and forget about for a long time.

In short, a good friend of mine is going through a very hard time, right now and in his darkest moments, I can't help but wonder.....Where is God right now? I mean, there have been so many instances where I couldn't count the number of times that I have looked up at the stars and wondered that very same thing. Where is God?

In a world where, violence, and rape and genocide, and some of the most horrible things you can image go on; the bible tells us that God loves us and is there for us. I mean we as Christians are honestly supposed to believe that there is an all knowing all seeing Father who loves us? I mean, how does this make sense?

Somewhere in Poland you'llf find a place called Auschweitz. In 1944, there were in and around 1.1 million people who were gassed, burned or shot to death by he Nazis, just because they were Jews, better yet, let's simplify it, because they were God's People. I'm pretty sure that if I walked up to a Holocaust vicitm and told them that God loves them and is watching over them, they are able to look at me and say "Really? Well for 1.1 million innocent people, I guess He's a little late"

Now, though my experience is definatly in no way measurable to those of that horrible event. I can say that I have been going through some intense emotional pain for going on around 15 years now. I can tell you the exact moment when this pain started. I was sitting in my dad's car and we were on our way from a friend of the families house. My mother had been in the hospital for a few days by then and she (last I had heard) was doing somewhat ok. I remember looking over at my dad who was visibly heartbroken; and asking "How's mom?" He looked over at me, whith a shutter in his voice and said "Mom died last night Benj". It was at that moment that I looked out the window of the car, and looked up at the sky and in the back of my mind somewhere said "Why?"

So I have been dealing with this pain and these memories, not from just that instance, but from a number of instances that have been haunting me. Oh and by the way, the one person who could bring healing to my soul, and bring some meaning to these things.... is sitting up in heaven right now just looking down on me doing nothing. You know what I think about when I look up at God? I think of someone who loves me when ever it is convineient to him. I see someone who takes just enough time getting to me so that He is too late to help me. I see someone who turned their back on my heart and the hurt it feels years ago. Am I denying the existence of God, well no, that would be stupid. I'm just not sure that I have faith in Him anymore.

I mean, how long does it take God to get involved? How long does it take God to get off His throne and help us. How long do we have to suffer before God finally decides we've had enough. I'm tired of having a one sided realationship with a being who knows everything, and does nothing. I'm tired of holding on just long enough to catch a glimpse of hope, but then loose it when reality steps in.

The truth is, I don't have faith in God anymore, because when I start to believe that He cares, a million and a half reason show up to remind me of why He doesn't. His grace, is not enough for me. I want help, I want healing, I want guidance, I want God, and He's just not there for me.

Have a great afternoon...............

Alone......."I Get Buy with a Little Help from My Friends"

So my best friend from (God knows how long ago) called me the other day from college. It was awesome, we talked about everything (which for us usually covers life, love, and happiness and all thats in between LOL) going on in our lives. We talked about our romantic destinies with my soon to be wife, and his hopefully soon to be fiancee.



Its weird thought because, as we were talking I began to notice and rememeber all the times that this has happened. I mean, I can't count the number of times in my life that him and I have been looking up at the stars, wondering what our lives were going to be like. Its funny though, because through all of those time. I think it really shows us a great picture of God's church.



Don't you find it strange that (perticularly in the gospels and the new testament) a lot of the human interactions and Holy Spirit interactions that go on within God's people (for the most part) are done in community? As I look through scripture and how God interacts with the early Christians it just fascinates me how much community there is going on. I mean, it happens so often that its like almost a pre requisit for our body.

I find it even more intriging that for the most part, every major figure in the bible had some sort of companion. Moses had Joshua, David had Jonathon, Paul had Timothy, Barnabbas had Mark. I mean, even Jesus had his inner three with Peter, John and James.

When did we start believing that this is a one man show? I mean, when as a people did we start to think that It was God, and us and thats it. I mean, don't get me wrong, your relationship with God is entirely your responsibility, but when did we forget that Jesus was HUGE on brotherhood and community. I mean, it seems like Jesus was always talking about interacting with your brothers, and or how to treat a brother. In short, God designed us to NEED each other, not to shun each other. I think that is a big problem with Western Christianity, our desire to go it alone. God clearly wants us to work together, and to be there for each other. God has always been a strength in numbers kind of guy, and especially in this day an age, I think we need each other more than ever.......

"Polish a Terd....It's Still a Terd......."

So I was having this conversation with my friends one time about relationships, and we started talking about different escapades that we had done. One buddy started talking about how he managed to get a girl to break up with her boyfriend just so she could date him, and then dump her. Quickly chimming in, my other friend also shared a story about taking a girl out to a movie with the soul purpouse of making out with her. It was none the less a losing battle on my part trying to defend the idea that God didn't like it. It was funny though, because as I began to ask my friends why they did these things, different answers arose. One of my buddies put in bluntly that he was just...well....lonely. It then dawned on me though within my own life...."how many times have I justified something I have done in my life?" "how many times have I made right what was wrong in God's eyes, just so I didn't have to own up to it?"

If we all looked in the mirrior at ourselves, we would probably be able to come up with one instance in our lives where we have done this. "Justify the unjust". Its weird though because as I look back on my own life, there have been NUMEROUS times where I have done this. Especially when it comes to confessing something that I have done. I mean, there are secrets I have from things that have happened, that I will take to my grave. But why? I mean, if we look at God theres nothing but forgivness there for us, and if we look at what Jesus says then essentially we need to confess our sins to each other. Yet, we still feel this urge as people to hold onto this stuff.

When in history did man decide that he was better than God? When did man decide that if they do just the requred amount, that it was ok. When did man decide that as long as I had a good reason, or if the situation required it, that it was ok?

Its not ok!!!!! Its not ok to be loose with women, its not ok to steal if your hungry, its not ok to lie because its someones birthday, its not ok to do what you want because it makes you happy, its not ok for gay people to practice there sexual things because "everyone deserves happiness"

When did we start making compromises in America regarding our morality? When did I start in my own life? I'm not saying that a hungry person who steals is a horrible person, but maybe if we took charge and started taking care of our homelsss, these bad decisions wouldn't be an option.

If its one thing I've learned about God, He will always provide a RIGHT way to do something, He will never let you do EVIL to justify the good of an act. No matter what it is.

Reformation.....How do We Change Who We Are?

So my life lately is becoming more and more complicated. I mean, here is a "picture" if you will, of what my life is going to be like in the next 5 months....

1. Getting married 1 August
2. Getting promoted to SGT hopefully
3. Moving to another base
4. Training for a Triathalon

I mean, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS! I'm so lost about everything and my spiritual life just seems to be spiraling out of control. I can't think of the last time that I picked up my bible and actually "heard" the voice of God speak to me. Its a strange conundrum because although I don't want to hear what God has to say, my soul is dying without it. I mean, I'm just so frustrated about everything and to make it even crazier. THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON!!!!

Yet in the midst of all this, I feel God calling to me to change. To stop living the way that I am living and start living right. I mean, this calling process has taken what seems like years of God standing in the desert shouting my name and me not caring enough to listen. I think I'm just going through some kind of purging process. I mean, maybe God is just beating my soul into submission, between feeling crappy and spinning out of control, to getting down right depressed when ever I hear a praise song. I'm not sure what is going on, but I know that the man I am now is going to have to change if any of my top 5 are going to happen, especially the first one.

I can't be the man I am now, and be married. Its so HUGE of an establishment marriage is. I can't fathom being responsible for the life of another person, to be absolutly obsessed almost with there well being and life. Not that we should get obsessed about it, but you know what I mean.

I'm just lost without God.....and I don't know what to do without Him....

Warrior........Why is Masculinity Frowned Upon?

So I'm watchcing Star Trek one day right, and I just so happen to be watching the Klingon fan favorites DVD series (yes I'm a nerd, don't judge me) and as I'm watching all of these Klingons fight and be well ruthless, and I can't help but feel invigorated by them. I mean, I'm watching Worf and his brother Kern fight off these other warriors in a bar on Q'unos (I'm not sure of the spelling, so if your a hardcore Trekky, my deepest apologies) and I'm coming alive inside. "Kill them!" I'm shouting. "Beat some ass!!!" "Drop the honorless and destroy the traitors!"

It then dons on me that if I were to act that way inside of a church, most of the Christians there would look at me like I'm the biggest blasphemous, hypocrite they have ever seen. I mean, I would get looks that only convey "how un-Jesus of you". Or "He must not be Christian". I mean, I guess whats really bothering me is...."How come the church condems men for being something that God has naturally made them........aggressive. What is so wrong with being.......well.....Masculine?

I find it absolutly amzaing that if you ask a people in the church what a good Christian is, they will say something like "Well, thats a person who lives in peace, and is tolerant, and accepts people for who they are" Or "A christian is someone who avoides confrontation, and doesn't get into trouble". WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?

I've noticed that people tend to skip in the bible what they don't want to accept. I mean, everybody wants to know God as the lover of all things, and the God of peace and joy, and joyness....but what about the God who told Joshua in the Old Testimante"I want you to go to there lands, and kill them as a sacrifice to me" (Paraphrasing) I mean, what happened to the God who got in Job's face and said "Do you know who I am" "Where were you when I told the ocean how far onto the shore it could go?" "Condisder Leviathan, in his power and strength" (Paraphrasing).

Jesus, if I remember right in the bible, didn't just sit around and "avoid confrontation" if I remember it right, he blatenly looked the Pharisees in the eyes and said" you are stupid you fools!" I mean, quick cultural lesson, back in those days if you called someone a fool, it was like flipping someone off, I mean it was that offensive...but oh as Christians we are supposed to be "non confrontational, and tolerant" Jesus wasn't tolerant of injustice, as a matter of fact, Jesus spit in the face of injustice when He healed the blind and the sick, and looked at the unmetntionables of society and said "Hey, God loves you, no matter what the "godly" say". To call Jesus a "non confrontation guy" would negate the reason that He was crucified. I mean, you didn't crucify nice men who were "non confrontational". That would be like crucifying Mr. Rodgers. You crucified the dangersous men of society, the ones who caused trouble, in essence, Jesus was a trouble maker.

I'm just tired of a passive church. I wanna be apart of a church that says" Sin is sin, no matter how you wanna lay the cards down, its wrong, and thats the truth. "Oh but we'll affend people" I don't think Jesus gave a damn about weither or not He affended people, but rather, if He did the right thing. Come on Church, be a force worth recconing with, be those Christians that you parents warned you about.

I'm a man, I'm violent, aggressive, and I don't perticularly care if you think I'm wrong for being that way. Sometimes, people need to get put in there place. The chruch is weak, because the men in it are weak. I'll affend you for Jesus...because I know that if I was sinning, Jesus wouldn't care about weather or not He hurt my feelings, but that He would show His ultimate love for me, but putting his boot in my rear and getting me to stop being what I'm being.

PLATACK!!!!!

Predator...........

So there is a monster inside of me. I've known of it for a while. Disapointment is the trigger that swings this beast out into the open. It lies somewhere between rage, and indifference. It surfaces covered in selfishness, and gradually takes control of my mind, my heart, and my sould.

I can't seem to figure out where this comes from. I mean, I've literally looked at myself in the mirror and said "I'm a monster" Its weird because God must really love us, to be able to put up with the horrible things we do out of our hearts; and its not just the "normal" people, but Christians too. I have a theory that christians are the worst out of the group. I say that because we know the truth and in spite of it, we will choose wrong. Atleast for the unknowing they have the slight defense of being ignorant.

Its like the monster inside of me lives for Chaos, and feeds off of anger and hurt. It hunts people and seeks out the destruction of others, driven by a rage and a revenge that "everyone will hurt like I do" I don't know what to do about this anymore, and even on good days, I'm always wondering in the back of my mind...."What if this gets out of the cage, and I can't put it back"


"Humans man,.....Humans"
-Dean Winchester-

"Now I'm Always, Smiling" :D

So I have to be honest. Its kind of ironic because being honest is what I usually do. But I have to come out and just be as honest as possible on this one.

You see as of recently I have begun to notice a pattern within my life. Its weird because I didn't really notice it in high school, or maybe I did, I'm not sure, but anyway. I've begun to notice a dangerous pattern in my life that is really self destructive.

I always seem to have this deep seated anger and sadness within my soul, that no matter what I do or have tried to do, never seems to go away. The pattern begins with this, maybe its more like a cycle. Anyway though, I will start off feeling depressed, I start hurting for what literally seems like no reason at all. It just gets heavier and heavier untill it starts to transform into this rage that is uncontrolable and violent, which of course translates into the most dangerous aspect of the cycle which is apathy toward everything in life to include God, morality, love, people, and of course good and evil.

Its weird because I realized that I was aware of this depressoin in high school, but in looking back on it and the events in my life that were going on at the time. It just usually manifested itself as just being really really bummed. Of course, now being that I'm a soldier and I've learned to be a hard ass and to be aggressive. It gets really dangerous because that "bummed" becomes rage and violence. It is in these moments of my life when I am the most dangerous, and it is within these moments that my inner sociopath comes out. It is in these moments when I would punch you in the face, call your mom every name in the book, and smile right in your face, because your existance is not important to me.

"Now I'm always smiling:D"

Home

Its funny to say this now, but I love going back home during the holidays and new years. Its weird because as a teen, I never wanted anything more than to get away from their. I couldn't wait to get away from my parents and all of the stupid hurtful memories that I could never let go of on my own. I couldn't wait to leave the pain and the heartache that my high school choices had left me with. I couldn't wait to leave the hole that I thought my home life was. Everytime I would think about going off to the army, I would constantly think about how awesome it was going to be, being away from home and living my own life. Running away and getting away from the hurt I keep in me.

Its funny though because during my time in boot camp and Korea and even just down the road in Kentucky, I'm finding myself longing to come home more and more and more. Everything has changed, or maybe I have. I mean, I used to hate walking into my house and having to deal with my parents and listening to my dad lecture me for hours and hours, and now. I would give everything in the world to be home and listen to him rant and rave for hours LOL.

Never take anything for granted, and always remember that no matter how bad you may think life is, its always worth enjoying, regardless of what you may face.