Why I Don't Have Faith in God......

I was confronted today by something that, well at the very least rattled my bones. I mean it struck my heart down to its very being and to say the least, it shook up some deep dirt inside of my spirit that I had managed to keep hidden and forget about for a long time.

In short, a good friend of mine is going through a very hard time, right now and in his darkest moments, I can't help but wonder.....Where is God right now? I mean, there have been so many instances where I couldn't count the number of times that I have looked up at the stars and wondered that very same thing. Where is God?

In a world where, violence, and rape and genocide, and some of the most horrible things you can image go on; the bible tells us that God loves us and is there for us. I mean we as Christians are honestly supposed to believe that there is an all knowing all seeing Father who loves us? I mean, how does this make sense?

Somewhere in Poland you'llf find a place called Auschweitz. In 1944, there were in and around 1.1 million people who were gassed, burned or shot to death by he Nazis, just because they were Jews, better yet, let's simplify it, because they were God's People. I'm pretty sure that if I walked up to a Holocaust vicitm and told them that God loves them and is watching over them, they are able to look at me and say "Really? Well for 1.1 million innocent people, I guess He's a little late"

Now, though my experience is definatly in no way measurable to those of that horrible event. I can say that I have been going through some intense emotional pain for going on around 15 years now. I can tell you the exact moment when this pain started. I was sitting in my dad's car and we were on our way from a friend of the families house. My mother had been in the hospital for a few days by then and she (last I had heard) was doing somewhat ok. I remember looking over at my dad who was visibly heartbroken; and asking "How's mom?" He looked over at me, whith a shutter in his voice and said "Mom died last night Benj". It was at that moment that I looked out the window of the car, and looked up at the sky and in the back of my mind somewhere said "Why?"

So I have been dealing with this pain and these memories, not from just that instance, but from a number of instances that have been haunting me. Oh and by the way, the one person who could bring healing to my soul, and bring some meaning to these things.... is sitting up in heaven right now just looking down on me doing nothing. You know what I think about when I look up at God? I think of someone who loves me when ever it is convineient to him. I see someone who takes just enough time getting to me so that He is too late to help me. I see someone who turned their back on my heart and the hurt it feels years ago. Am I denying the existence of God, well no, that would be stupid. I'm just not sure that I have faith in Him anymore.

I mean, how long does it take God to get involved? How long does it take God to get off His throne and help us. How long do we have to suffer before God finally decides we've had enough. I'm tired of having a one sided realationship with a being who knows everything, and does nothing. I'm tired of holding on just long enough to catch a glimpse of hope, but then loose it when reality steps in.

The truth is, I don't have faith in God anymore, because when I start to believe that He cares, a million and a half reason show up to remind me of why He doesn't. His grace, is not enough for me. I want help, I want healing, I want guidance, I want God, and He's just not there for me.

Have a great afternoon...............