Predator...........

So there is a monster inside of me. I've known of it for a while. Disapointment is the trigger that swings this beast out into the open. It lies somewhere between rage, and indifference. It surfaces covered in selfishness, and gradually takes control of my mind, my heart, and my sould.

I can't seem to figure out where this comes from. I mean, I've literally looked at myself in the mirror and said "I'm a monster" Its weird because God must really love us, to be able to put up with the horrible things we do out of our hearts; and its not just the "normal" people, but Christians too. I have a theory that christians are the worst out of the group. I say that because we know the truth and in spite of it, we will choose wrong. Atleast for the unknowing they have the slight defense of being ignorant.

Its like the monster inside of me lives for Chaos, and feeds off of anger and hurt. It hunts people and seeks out the destruction of others, driven by a rage and a revenge that "everyone will hurt like I do" I don't know what to do about this anymore, and even on good days, I'm always wondering in the back of my mind...."What if this gets out of the cage, and I can't put it back"


"Humans man,.....Humans"
-Dean Winchester-

"Now I'm Always, Smiling" :D

So I have to be honest. Its kind of ironic because being honest is what I usually do. But I have to come out and just be as honest as possible on this one.

You see as of recently I have begun to notice a pattern within my life. Its weird because I didn't really notice it in high school, or maybe I did, I'm not sure, but anyway. I've begun to notice a dangerous pattern in my life that is really self destructive.

I always seem to have this deep seated anger and sadness within my soul, that no matter what I do or have tried to do, never seems to go away. The pattern begins with this, maybe its more like a cycle. Anyway though, I will start off feeling depressed, I start hurting for what literally seems like no reason at all. It just gets heavier and heavier untill it starts to transform into this rage that is uncontrolable and violent, which of course translates into the most dangerous aspect of the cycle which is apathy toward everything in life to include God, morality, love, people, and of course good and evil.

Its weird because I realized that I was aware of this depressoin in high school, but in looking back on it and the events in my life that were going on at the time. It just usually manifested itself as just being really really bummed. Of course, now being that I'm a soldier and I've learned to be a hard ass and to be aggressive. It gets really dangerous because that "bummed" becomes rage and violence. It is in these moments of my life when I am the most dangerous, and it is within these moments that my inner sociopath comes out. It is in these moments when I would punch you in the face, call your mom every name in the book, and smile right in your face, because your existance is not important to me.

"Now I'm always smiling:D"

Home

Its funny to say this now, but I love going back home during the holidays and new years. Its weird because as a teen, I never wanted anything more than to get away from their. I couldn't wait to get away from my parents and all of the stupid hurtful memories that I could never let go of on my own. I couldn't wait to leave the pain and the heartache that my high school choices had left me with. I couldn't wait to leave the hole that I thought my home life was. Everytime I would think about going off to the army, I would constantly think about how awesome it was going to be, being away from home and living my own life. Running away and getting away from the hurt I keep in me.

Its funny though because during my time in boot camp and Korea and even just down the road in Kentucky, I'm finding myself longing to come home more and more and more. Everything has changed, or maybe I have. I mean, I used to hate walking into my house and having to deal with my parents and listening to my dad lecture me for hours and hours, and now. I would give everything in the world to be home and listen to him rant and rave for hours LOL.

Never take anything for granted, and always remember that no matter how bad you may think life is, its always worth enjoying, regardless of what you may face.