Why I Don't Have Faith in God......

I was confronted today by something that, well at the very least rattled my bones. I mean it struck my heart down to its very being and to say the least, it shook up some deep dirt inside of my spirit that I had managed to keep hidden and forget about for a long time.

In short, a good friend of mine is going through a very hard time, right now and in his darkest moments, I can't help but wonder.....Where is God right now? I mean, there have been so many instances where I couldn't count the number of times that I have looked up at the stars and wondered that very same thing. Where is God?

In a world where, violence, and rape and genocide, and some of the most horrible things you can image go on; the bible tells us that God loves us and is there for us. I mean we as Christians are honestly supposed to believe that there is an all knowing all seeing Father who loves us? I mean, how does this make sense?

Somewhere in Poland you'llf find a place called Auschweitz. In 1944, there were in and around 1.1 million people who were gassed, burned or shot to death by he Nazis, just because they were Jews, better yet, let's simplify it, because they were God's People. I'm pretty sure that if I walked up to a Holocaust vicitm and told them that God loves them and is watching over them, they are able to look at me and say "Really? Well for 1.1 million innocent people, I guess He's a little late"

Now, though my experience is definatly in no way measurable to those of that horrible event. I can say that I have been going through some intense emotional pain for going on around 15 years now. I can tell you the exact moment when this pain started. I was sitting in my dad's car and we were on our way from a friend of the families house. My mother had been in the hospital for a few days by then and she (last I had heard) was doing somewhat ok. I remember looking over at my dad who was visibly heartbroken; and asking "How's mom?" He looked over at me, whith a shutter in his voice and said "Mom died last night Benj". It was at that moment that I looked out the window of the car, and looked up at the sky and in the back of my mind somewhere said "Why?"

So I have been dealing with this pain and these memories, not from just that instance, but from a number of instances that have been haunting me. Oh and by the way, the one person who could bring healing to my soul, and bring some meaning to these things.... is sitting up in heaven right now just looking down on me doing nothing. You know what I think about when I look up at God? I think of someone who loves me when ever it is convineient to him. I see someone who takes just enough time getting to me so that He is too late to help me. I see someone who turned their back on my heart and the hurt it feels years ago. Am I denying the existence of God, well no, that would be stupid. I'm just not sure that I have faith in Him anymore.

I mean, how long does it take God to get involved? How long does it take God to get off His throne and help us. How long do we have to suffer before God finally decides we've had enough. I'm tired of having a one sided realationship with a being who knows everything, and does nothing. I'm tired of holding on just long enough to catch a glimpse of hope, but then loose it when reality steps in.

The truth is, I don't have faith in God anymore, because when I start to believe that He cares, a million and a half reason show up to remind me of why He doesn't. His grace, is not enough for me. I want help, I want healing, I want guidance, I want God, and He's just not there for me.

Have a great afternoon...............

Alone......."I Get Buy with a Little Help from My Friends"

So my best friend from (God knows how long ago) called me the other day from college. It was awesome, we talked about everything (which for us usually covers life, love, and happiness and all thats in between LOL) going on in our lives. We talked about our romantic destinies with my soon to be wife, and his hopefully soon to be fiancee.



Its weird thought because, as we were talking I began to notice and rememeber all the times that this has happened. I mean, I can't count the number of times in my life that him and I have been looking up at the stars, wondering what our lives were going to be like. Its funny though, because through all of those time. I think it really shows us a great picture of God's church.



Don't you find it strange that (perticularly in the gospels and the new testament) a lot of the human interactions and Holy Spirit interactions that go on within God's people (for the most part) are done in community? As I look through scripture and how God interacts with the early Christians it just fascinates me how much community there is going on. I mean, it happens so often that its like almost a pre requisit for our body.

I find it even more intriging that for the most part, every major figure in the bible had some sort of companion. Moses had Joshua, David had Jonathon, Paul had Timothy, Barnabbas had Mark. I mean, even Jesus had his inner three with Peter, John and James.

When did we start believing that this is a one man show? I mean, when as a people did we start to think that It was God, and us and thats it. I mean, don't get me wrong, your relationship with God is entirely your responsibility, but when did we forget that Jesus was HUGE on brotherhood and community. I mean, it seems like Jesus was always talking about interacting with your brothers, and or how to treat a brother. In short, God designed us to NEED each other, not to shun each other. I think that is a big problem with Western Christianity, our desire to go it alone. God clearly wants us to work together, and to be there for each other. God has always been a strength in numbers kind of guy, and especially in this day an age, I think we need each other more than ever.......

"Polish a Terd....It's Still a Terd......."

So I was having this conversation with my friends one time about relationships, and we started talking about different escapades that we had done. One buddy started talking about how he managed to get a girl to break up with her boyfriend just so she could date him, and then dump her. Quickly chimming in, my other friend also shared a story about taking a girl out to a movie with the soul purpouse of making out with her. It was none the less a losing battle on my part trying to defend the idea that God didn't like it. It was funny though, because as I began to ask my friends why they did these things, different answers arose. One of my buddies put in bluntly that he was just...well....lonely. It then dawned on me though within my own life...."how many times have I justified something I have done in my life?" "how many times have I made right what was wrong in God's eyes, just so I didn't have to own up to it?"

If we all looked in the mirrior at ourselves, we would probably be able to come up with one instance in our lives where we have done this. "Justify the unjust". Its weird though because as I look back on my own life, there have been NUMEROUS times where I have done this. Especially when it comes to confessing something that I have done. I mean, there are secrets I have from things that have happened, that I will take to my grave. But why? I mean, if we look at God theres nothing but forgivness there for us, and if we look at what Jesus says then essentially we need to confess our sins to each other. Yet, we still feel this urge as people to hold onto this stuff.

When in history did man decide that he was better than God? When did man decide that if they do just the requred amount, that it was ok. When did man decide that as long as I had a good reason, or if the situation required it, that it was ok?

Its not ok!!!!! Its not ok to be loose with women, its not ok to steal if your hungry, its not ok to lie because its someones birthday, its not ok to do what you want because it makes you happy, its not ok for gay people to practice there sexual things because "everyone deserves happiness"

When did we start making compromises in America regarding our morality? When did I start in my own life? I'm not saying that a hungry person who steals is a horrible person, but maybe if we took charge and started taking care of our homelsss, these bad decisions wouldn't be an option.

If its one thing I've learned about God, He will always provide a RIGHT way to do something, He will never let you do EVIL to justify the good of an act. No matter what it is.

Reformation.....How do We Change Who We Are?

So my life lately is becoming more and more complicated. I mean, here is a "picture" if you will, of what my life is going to be like in the next 5 months....

1. Getting married 1 August
2. Getting promoted to SGT hopefully
3. Moving to another base
4. Training for a Triathalon

I mean, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS! I'm so lost about everything and my spiritual life just seems to be spiraling out of control. I can't think of the last time that I picked up my bible and actually "heard" the voice of God speak to me. Its a strange conundrum because although I don't want to hear what God has to say, my soul is dying without it. I mean, I'm just so frustrated about everything and to make it even crazier. THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON!!!!

Yet in the midst of all this, I feel God calling to me to change. To stop living the way that I am living and start living right. I mean, this calling process has taken what seems like years of God standing in the desert shouting my name and me not caring enough to listen. I think I'm just going through some kind of purging process. I mean, maybe God is just beating my soul into submission, between feeling crappy and spinning out of control, to getting down right depressed when ever I hear a praise song. I'm not sure what is going on, but I know that the man I am now is going to have to change if any of my top 5 are going to happen, especially the first one.

I can't be the man I am now, and be married. Its so HUGE of an establishment marriage is. I can't fathom being responsible for the life of another person, to be absolutly obsessed almost with there well being and life. Not that we should get obsessed about it, but you know what I mean.

I'm just lost without God.....and I don't know what to do without Him....

Warrior........Why is Masculinity Frowned Upon?

So I'm watchcing Star Trek one day right, and I just so happen to be watching the Klingon fan favorites DVD series (yes I'm a nerd, don't judge me) and as I'm watching all of these Klingons fight and be well ruthless, and I can't help but feel invigorated by them. I mean, I'm watching Worf and his brother Kern fight off these other warriors in a bar on Q'unos (I'm not sure of the spelling, so if your a hardcore Trekky, my deepest apologies) and I'm coming alive inside. "Kill them!" I'm shouting. "Beat some ass!!!" "Drop the honorless and destroy the traitors!"

It then dons on me that if I were to act that way inside of a church, most of the Christians there would look at me like I'm the biggest blasphemous, hypocrite they have ever seen. I mean, I would get looks that only convey "how un-Jesus of you". Or "He must not be Christian". I mean, I guess whats really bothering me is...."How come the church condems men for being something that God has naturally made them........aggressive. What is so wrong with being.......well.....Masculine?

I find it absolutly amzaing that if you ask a people in the church what a good Christian is, they will say something like "Well, thats a person who lives in peace, and is tolerant, and accepts people for who they are" Or "A christian is someone who avoides confrontation, and doesn't get into trouble". WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?

I've noticed that people tend to skip in the bible what they don't want to accept. I mean, everybody wants to know God as the lover of all things, and the God of peace and joy, and joyness....but what about the God who told Joshua in the Old Testimante"I want you to go to there lands, and kill them as a sacrifice to me" (Paraphrasing) I mean, what happened to the God who got in Job's face and said "Do you know who I am" "Where were you when I told the ocean how far onto the shore it could go?" "Condisder Leviathan, in his power and strength" (Paraphrasing).

Jesus, if I remember right in the bible, didn't just sit around and "avoid confrontation" if I remember it right, he blatenly looked the Pharisees in the eyes and said" you are stupid you fools!" I mean, quick cultural lesson, back in those days if you called someone a fool, it was like flipping someone off, I mean it was that offensive...but oh as Christians we are supposed to be "non confrontational, and tolerant" Jesus wasn't tolerant of injustice, as a matter of fact, Jesus spit in the face of injustice when He healed the blind and the sick, and looked at the unmetntionables of society and said "Hey, God loves you, no matter what the "godly" say". To call Jesus a "non confrontation guy" would negate the reason that He was crucified. I mean, you didn't crucify nice men who were "non confrontational". That would be like crucifying Mr. Rodgers. You crucified the dangersous men of society, the ones who caused trouble, in essence, Jesus was a trouble maker.

I'm just tired of a passive church. I wanna be apart of a church that says" Sin is sin, no matter how you wanna lay the cards down, its wrong, and thats the truth. "Oh but we'll affend people" I don't think Jesus gave a damn about weither or not He affended people, but rather, if He did the right thing. Come on Church, be a force worth recconing with, be those Christians that you parents warned you about.

I'm a man, I'm violent, aggressive, and I don't perticularly care if you think I'm wrong for being that way. Sometimes, people need to get put in there place. The chruch is weak, because the men in it are weak. I'll affend you for Jesus...because I know that if I was sinning, Jesus wouldn't care about weather or not He hurt my feelings, but that He would show His ultimate love for me, but putting his boot in my rear and getting me to stop being what I'm being.

PLATACK!!!!!