Life is meaningless.....I mean, its funny because I used to hold to this naive idea that I could get better if I tried. You know, I could love God more if I just loved him harder, or that I could become disciplined if I just tried to change, or that maybe if I focused really really hard on doing the right thing that I might actually be able to do it.Well as of earlier today, reality finally sunk in....you ready.....here it is......WERE ALL TOTALLY FUCKED!!!!
I mean, lets look at this in perspective shall we. I have been fighting the same old battle for YEARS now, and the great thing about it is that no matter how much I identify things in my mind in terms of why this hurts, or why this happened, it all comes around to the same square root which is that I will never change. Hopelessness, hate, rage, anger, undiscipliness, are all the core of my values. I wake up to the same old crappy heart, the same old crappy perspective, and you know what, I'm a little bit tired of people telling me to change my mind, or look at thing differently. The truth is I CAN'T because its me!!!! Its not an attitude, or a desired mindset. Its just the way it is....I.....EQUAL....SELFISH!!!! What did Paul say? A hand can't say to a hand that it wants to be a foot (something along those line). I'm destined to be a douchbag!!! I can't help it!
You know what, I can't really stand! I can't stand Christians sometimes, you know why? They are the biggest liars in the world. Oh we love and accept people BULLSHIT! I've seen more people marred and dragged down by christians than and other group in existance....and why? In the NAME OF RIGHTEOUSNESS!!! I get mad at christians because they should be the first people to reach out and help someone, but you know what? They never do.
Which brings me back to my point. I learned today April 13th 2009 that life is really pointless, you never get where you need to go, and you never end up doing anything good while your here anyway. People say well I'm a good person; lies, its all lies. No one is good, and non one gives a damn about anyone.
Take God for example, I don't love God because I love him, I put up with my faith because I'm afraid of what will happen if I truly walk away from Him. I mean thats not real love is it?
I can't not fathom a sinlge reason in this world why God would ever give a damn about me. I mean lets look at me, I thrive off of evil, I love to be a dirtbag, you know what, heres another scary truth....I like to bring people down:D Read God's word and tell me what God says about people like me...its not a pretty picture, but I guess I'm fucked because guess what, not matter what I do....I NEVER CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So why even care anymore, its all pain in the end anyway. You know what the true test of s persons worth is? How much pain you can take before you die.
I give up.............................................................................................................
