So I'm having these overwelming feelings that I can't describe. Its almost like God is turning something within my soul. Its like; He is looking into me and essentially asking me to take a stand. He's, looking into me and asking "How long will I have to wait?" "How long will I watch you hold onto the same problems and hurts?" "How long will you run from what you know to be true, and from what I've called you to be?" "How long will you run from my Son and His purpouse?" Its like, my character is being called into question. It's time...I have been fighting and running from God for about the last 3 years. I have been conviniently pushing God away so that I can do what I please, so that I can be wrong. So that I can run from my problems and hide behind my false self and let my anger take a hold on me. I have been allowing the enemy to transform my mind into something that its not, something that it was never meant to be. Something horrible.
I have become someone that I don't recognize anymore when I look into the mirrior. I have become angry and bitter, and the only person I have falsely blamed for this is God. To which I am wrong. I have become the worst of all things, something that Paul would call a "retrobate" mind. I have become exactly what the enemy wants me to be: Angry, maliced, dark, and worse of all, indifferent.
Since my rebirth as a Christian in 8th grade, I have been fighting and struggling with my past. Hurts that are there, sins that I can't seem to forget, and the bad part is that with all of that, I have been blaming God for all of it. I mean, I cannot say that completely, because there have been moments when I have managed to pull my head out of my own rear end long enough to have had caught a glimmer of what God is really like, and its good.
I have been asking God to do something that He's flat out told me that He is not going to do. I've asked God to simply take them all away, and essentially make it to where I don't even remember them.
God will not do it.......
He will not do it; not out of malice or some you must suffer to please me complex, but out of the simple understanding that the lessons we learn from pain, are the ones that teach us the most. Not just about ourselves, but about the nature of God as a Father of love who loves His children, and as the Creator who understand the very nature of the hearts that beat within us, and as the Son, who would give anything to heal us from our conditions and failures.
Its time for me to let it go, its time for me to let the past die, and its time for me to embrace the truth of what I am in Jesus. Its time for me to accept Christ completely, and to let Him guide the way for me in all my days, and to seek His guidance. Its time for me to humble myself before my Lord and let God love me. Its time for my to pick up my sword, and fight the good fight, looking Satan in the eye and telling him that this world and all that is in it, doesn't belong to him, but to God and he has no power here. Its time for me to become what I was always from the begining to time meant to be..........a true son of God.
19 December 2008 is the day that I declare this all in the name of Jesus, and stop being selfish, and misguided.
"God, you deserve better from me, you belive that I can be better than this, and I will be better, I will not spit in the face of your truth anymore, and I will let myself die, so that Jesus may live in me"
