So last night I was laying in my bed. I had just finished watching the show Supernatural, and I had found myself falling inbetween that state of sleep where your praying to God and trying to fall asleep, and as I was about to fall asleep; this overwhelming sense of God just came over me, and all I heard rippling through my mind was "I Am not a joke".I have always kind of felt that my relationship with God, in a weird Geeky manner mirrored Clark and Jor-El's from smallville. I have always felt like God had this destiny for me, and for some reason I could never seem to "enjoy" or "feel good" about buying into it. I mean, is it my sinful nature coming out? Does God really have this "plan" for me? I mean, ultimatly, Jor-El ends up helping Clark become the man he was always meant to be, and Clark in embracing his destiny, falls in love with who Jor-El has him become. Does this represent God? Sometimes I don't know.
Being absolutly honest, sometimes being a Christian is ocerwelming. I mean, there are days when I feel like I'm acting in a play, and my role is to be the weak Christian. You know? I mean, I can't count on one hand the number of times that I've looked up at God and have been like "Is this supposed to be like this?" "Is the chruch really supposed to be this superficial?" "Do you really support all of this crap?" Sometimes I feel like being a Christian is like an emotional roller coaster. Its like I can never feel good about following God. Pause, this is the point where any educated person would say: "Stop living with your feelings!" To which I would reply "Tried that, all I have are my FEELINGS!" End note LOL. Sometimes walking away from God, although it doesn't feel good to my heart or my spirit, I have to admit that it does make me feel lighter, like there is nothing to hold me back from being me. I can't describe how it feels being able to just be me sometimes. However, I'm still hurting inside because I don't feel God, and my anger and my confusion at it all just drives me to look at God and say "Screw this, I can't follow you and feel like this".
Maybe its not about knowing some plan, but maybe its about being pointed in the right direction. I told one of my buddies one time that I'm like a guard dog, I'm extremely furocious when I'm pointed in the right direction, and or have a mission to do, but all by myself with no aim, I'm as worthless as passing that same dog chained up by his dog house. I mean, pastors have told me for years that God has a plan for me, and about the only thing I know that I'm supposed to do is God to bible college while staying in the army. Its crazy. I just pray that one day, God will be my Jor-El and that I will learn to love being a Christian as much as I love being me.
